Thursday, February 28, 2013

Is Demi This Generation's Pop Princess?

Every few years there is a changing of the guard. All the pretty ponies that were showered with undying love and attention either take a step up the pop ladder - or are sent kicking and screaming to the glue factory. It's a ruthless cycle that few survive. For every Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, there are 10 Hilary Duffs wondering what the fuck happened. And, for a while there, that's the fate that seemed to await Demi Lovato - the destiny of being a largely irrelevant footnote in the history of teen-pop.

Unlike aforementioned Lizzie McGuire actress (who desperately needs to make a comeback), Demi had no real hits to her credit and was better known for allegedly not fucking Joe Jonas. But then she had a breakdown and people found her interesting again. To her credit, the then 19-year-old worked that shit like a pro - churning out the air-grabbing anthem "Skyscraper" and genuinely brilliant "Give Your Heart A Break". It became blindingly obvious that Demi was the talented teen idol. Selena had the famous boyfriend and Miley had the fame but pop's favourite cutter could really sing.

I loved Demi's third album but Unbroken underperformed. It did well enough to land her a spot on X Factor next to Britney and, again, she's taken an opportunity and created something unexpectedly massive. The Camp Rock survivor could have been forgiven for returning with a shitty dance track like "Scream & Shout" but she (or more likely her team) went with a song co-penned by rising pop diva Nikki Williams and produced by the relatively unknown Suspex. In that regard "Heart Attack" was a risk but the song is a stone cold smash from the very first listen.

Dabbling ever-so-slightly in the electronic movement, the now 20-year-old updated her sound with some icy synths but this is basically an '80s power ballad dragged into the new millennium. The lyrics are occasionally twee - bitch, wash your damn hair regardless! - but the 14-year-old girl in all of us is silently nodding her head in approval, while crying silent tears of agreement as Demi tells it like it is. Best of all, the focus is on the budding diva's glorious vocals. "Heart Attack" is currently sitting at #1 on US iTunes and has every right to be absolutely massive.

So is this the next step in comeback queen's slow climb to greatness or an extension of her 15 minutes? If talent plays any factor, which is debatable, Demi could be around for the long haul. The ball's in your court now, Selena. Your next album better be flawless or you'll be bunking next to Ashley Tisdale in no time.


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Why Is Carly Rae A Flop? Tonight I'm Getting Over You - Video Review

The continued failure of Carly Rae Jepsen to capitalise on the mammoth worldwide success of "Call Me Maybe" remains one of life's great mysteries. Like the sale of Filet-O-Fish burgers at McDonald's. Seriously, who buys that shit? The problem is not the music. As any discerning pop fan can attest, Kiss was one of finest recordings of 2012. There isn't a dud song on that album. Sure, some of it is kind of embarrassing if you're not a 12-year-old girl but even those bitches are snubbing Carly's flawless music. What the fuck is going on?

After minutes of deep thought, I've carefully come up with the following potential causes:

1. She's Canadian

Let's face it. Nobody's here for that backwater but being Canadian hasn't hindered Justin Bieber's chart prospects - so it can't be that.

2. Bad song choices

There aren't any bad songs on Kiss apart from the ballads, which I have long since deleted, so this is not an issue.

3. Her dumb fringe

Getting warmer. Carly has the worst hair in music and bitches obviously can not deal with that heinous 'do.

4. Age inappropriateness

It's occasionally disconcerting that a woman staring down her 30th birthday sings about steamy issues like holding hands and making wedding rings from guitar strings but Madonna has been making music for teenage gays since 1983 - so we're obviously willing to turn a blind eye to this. The mystery deepens.

5. Justin Bieber association

While being associated with JB clearly helped Carly get noticed, it could also be her downfall. Female and gay (ie. all) Beliebers are incredibly jealous and the fact that they toured together obviously got her blacklisted. It also made it easy for everyone over the age of 16 to dismiss the flop diva as a teen joke, when - in reality - her music is closer aligned to Kylie Minogue than Selena Gomez.

6. Carly's videos are terrible

Take "Tonight I'm Getting Over You". I love this song. The production is current and radio-friendly. It would be a massive hit if was recorded by someone it isn't embarrassing to openly like. To get over the Carly Rae stigma, you would film a gritty video to remind people that she's a grown woman and knows how to churn out an edgy club-banger? Right? Wrong. This silly bitch makes out with a guy young enough to be her son - trust me, they never get past first base because Carly obviously has a vagina just like Barbie - and then acts a fool by sitting in an empty room sprawled over an old TV set when not staring through lace curtains like a crazy person. What the fuck?

It's a sad day when a pretty woman in the twilight of her youth with a reed thin but capable voice can not bag a hit with the assistance of today's hottest hitmakers. I feel like homosexuals have really dropped the ball and can only repent by gifting "Tonight I'm Getting Over You" to everyone they know. Let the Carly Rae revival start here!

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Why I Respect Nelly Furtado - Bucket List Review

Nelly Furtado raised the bar for flopping with The Spirit Indestructible. Her last English language recording sold 10 million copies worldwide, while 2012's comeback effort sold a paltry 6,000 copies first week. In all fairness, the criminally underrated album turned out to be a steady seller in some parts of Europe - namely, Germany where she has always been disproportionately popular to the rest of the world. Kind of like Pink in Australia. Most divas would have hung up their microphone in shame and distanced themselves from the project faster than Taylor Swift's eyes scan a room for single men but Nelly is still promoting that fucker like it's 21. Respect.

I wish more artists would show this kind of commitment to an album. What does it say about the level of pride in your work and the faith in your artistic vision if you just give up because you missed the top 20? Kylie took a similar approach with Impossible Princess in the late '90s when the UK basically laughed in her face and sent her packing back to Australia. It turned out to be the turning point for her career. That might not happen with Nelly but she's just debuted the video for her fifth - and best - single from The Spirit Indestructible and is currently winding up a tour of Canada and Europe. Let's hope Christina and Ke$ha show similar dedication to their underperforming but vastly more successful albums.

That takes us back to "Bucket List". A low-key Darkchild production that wouldn't sound out of place on Folklore, the moody track perfectly showcases the Canadian diva's quirky voice and knack for writing melancholy lyrics. Like the rest of her album, it's completely uncommercial - the video begins with an intro about the dangers of dying alone and unfulfilled! - but it would probably be massive with the indie-pop crowd if it was recorded by an 18-year-old hipster with no life experience. The video is cheap. Like it was literally filmed between tour stops but I can't get over how beautiful Nelly looks. This era might have failed commercially but she can hold her head up high.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Timebomb Is Officially Forgiven - Kylie Slays Once Again!

I've been writing this blog since 2006. And even if you've only dropped by a couple of times over the last 8 years - two things should be clear by now. I really like Beyoncé and Kylie Minogue. The former has been getting a lot of coverage lately but I've been suffering from major fan fatigue with the Australian pop deity. Aphrodite was pleasant enough but the single choices were absolutely repellant and then she wasted everyone's time with that heinous Abbey Road Sessions bullshit and released the worst single of her glorious 25 year career with "Timebomb". I just needed a break.

But then a funny thing happened. I hired Holy Motors on a whim a couple of weeks ago and watched in awe as Kylie turned in her best screen performance since playing a junkie whore in Sample People. Her star turn was absolutely compelling and I sat through the damn movie another three times trying to work out what the fuck was going on. I still have no idea but it's highly recommended! Next came the Roc Nation deal and news that she is hooking up with the likes of Fernando Garibay on her new album - a fantastic development after slumming it with British hacks for far too long. And then I stumbled across "Whistle".

I feel like I've fallen into a parallel universe where time stood still and I'm stuck in 1998. You know the era when Kylie revolutionised pop by singing about fonts with Towa Tei. Only instead of exploring Japanese pop decades before it became trendy, Bey's new BFF is getting down with Icelandic folktronica outfit Múm on a contribution to the Jack and Diane soundtrack - a film, if I'm not mistaken, about lesbian werewolves. What in the name of Dannii's sold-out K-mart range is going on? And why is it so fucking amazing?

"Whistle" is obviously not single material - it begins with the line "I bleed like a pig" - but it is absolutely gorgeous. Imagine if Enya smoked peyote and then tried to cover Bjork for some idea of the demented, ambient magic that unwinds over the next six, languid minutes of aural perfection. This is so different and so beautiful. Just what I needed to get interested in Kylie again before she returns with a pitch-perfect pop album later this year and sets fire to Madonna's dusty wig once and for all. I love this.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Mariah Carey - Almost Home - Review

Mimi isn't playing this year. So far she's conquered Australia, made Nicki Minaj look like a demented Cirque Du Soleil clown on American Idol and recorded the best soundtrack song of 2013. Did I mention it's only February? When the snippet of "Almost Home" leaked last week, I was slightly concerned. It was pleasant but I feared Mariah's latest vocal master class might be a tad boring. As it turns out, the Stargate-produced mid-tempo ballad is the record-breaking diva's most contemporary offering since E=MC2.

"Almost Home" isn't exactly experimental - it still straddles the pop and adult contemporary worlds - but after the failed hip-hop adventure that was (the criminally underrated) "Triumphant", it's a relief to hear Mimi on a track that might actually be played on radio. Even more excitingly, Mariah unleashes the powerful pipes that enchanted Australia in January and delivers one of her best vocal performances in years. The chorus is a thing of beauty and the runs at the end of the song are epic.

Oz is shaping up to be a box office hit, so "Almost Home" could be a great platform for the relaunch of the Lamb Whisperer if radio plays along. Let's pray for a video that matches the epic brilliance of "Auld Lang Syne (Fireworks)"!


Christina Milian's Top 31 Australian Club Smash!

Christina Milian teaming up with a pair of low-brow Australian DJs for her latest comeback attempt was one of 2012's biggest WTF moments. The Stafford Brothers are best known in this country for their terrible reality TV show and the "When You Look At Me" diva has been focusing on the R&B market since the early 2000s. It just didn't seem to fit. Throw Lil Wayne into the mix and the project seemed doomed. But someone knew what they were doing. "Hello" (below) is actually a great dance record and debuts at number 31 on the ARIA club chart this week.

Time will tell if Christina's dance experiment turns out to be a crossover hit but it's great to see the former urban-pop icon back on the charts. I bought all three of her albums and still spin classic tracks like "Dip It Low", "AM To PM" and - my personal fave - "Say I" on a regular basis. There's no reason why she can't carve out a decent career. The-Dream's ex-wife has been in limbo since 2006 but she's pretty, can sing and is obviously open to exploring new genres unlike fellow faded R&B stars Ashanti and Ciara. The remixes are actually pretty hot too. I recommend hunting down the LA Riots remix.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Floptina No More - Feel This Moment Is A Hit

First of all, sorry for the lack of updates. I've got a lot of shit going on at the moment but everything will be back to normal soon. In the meantime, please bear with me - and follow my ramblings on Twitter. There are a few things I want to comment on but let's start with the exit of Floptina. After a horror run, the dirtiest diva in the game finally has a hit on her hands. "Feel This Moment" is shooting up iTunes around the world - it's already top 10 in many countries across Europe and the Middle East - and is sitting just outside the top 50 on the Billboard Hot 100.

All of this is rather surprising - firstly because the A-Ha-sampling song was actually released way back in November 2012 and did absolutely nothing and, secondly, because there's been no promo. I guess the world just missed Godtina! To be honest, "Feel This Moment" is a hot mess. It's the kind of generic Pitbull trash that sounds amazing after your tenth trip to the bar on a Saturday night. I do rather like the "Take On Me" sample and Christina's vocal is endearingly over-the-top.

The fucked up thing is - this is what a bitch has to do to get a hit these days. There are half a dozen great songs on Lotus but radio is paying the pop legend dust and her label has all but pulled the plug. You literally have to make this kind of lowest common denominator shit for gays to spend $1.69 on a download. What is life? Oh well, hopefully this is massive and injects some interest into the Lotus campaign - even though it's on Pitbull's horrendous album. Watch the crappy lyric video below and download from Aus iTunes now.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Queen Bey Wins 17th Grammy

Fresh from her all-conquering Super Bowl performance, Queen B deigned to bless the Grammys with her divine presence earlier today. Not only did the fashion icon snatch every wig on the red carpet by wearing her gym pants, she also took home her 17th Grammy when "Love On Top" (below) was named Best Traditional R&B Recording. When will your redundant fave?

It's a truly astonishing achievement. God's chosen vessel only has four albums to her credit. None of us are worthy! The lastest addition to legendary diva's award cabinet is particularly sweet given the treatment 4 received last year. It's nice to see that the world is finally waking up to its brilliance. I wonder how many Grammys her new album will take home.

Thursday, February 07, 2013

Kylie Signs To Roc Nation

None of us saw this coming! Earlier today Roc Nation confirmed Kylie had joined their register of artists that currently includes Rihanna and her replacement, Rita Ora. It was shocking for a number of reasons. Firstly, because Kylie "retired" from music to concentrate on acting less than a month ago and, let's face it, the pop legend had all but admitted that was over trying to make it in America. After I got my head around the move, I started to get excited. Jay Z made a non-entity like Ms Fenty a star, so he should be able to do great things with the Australian superstar.

And the prospect of her working with American producers instead of the same old, boring cunts in Britain is exciting. "Timebomb" was the absolute nadir of her career, so the only way is up. I doubt they will push an urban sound on her but if they do, at least she'll get access to a better rapper than Mims (below). And to be honest, I love Kylie's previous attempts at capturing a more American sound. Body Language is one of my favourite albums of all time! Anyway, we don't have long to wait until we hear the next step in the evolution of Dannii's slightly more successful sister.

Billboard announced that a new single is on the way in a couple of weeks. Join me in praying it's a not a "Timebomb" remix featuring Juicy J and 2 Chainz!

Jessie Ware - Live In Sydney

This is going to be a short review because there are only so many ways you can say - she looked glamorous, sounded brilliant and made amazing use of back-lighting. It's strange how seeing an artist live can completely change your opinion of them and their music. I've always liked Jessie Ware and included Devotion on my best albums of 2012 list but I thought of her as a niche diva. The kinda sophisticated lady you play when you're trying to impress someone or slightly buzzed at 3am. In my mind, she was the second-coming of Sade. Which is a great compliment but an indication that her music might not be best fit for an intimate venue - located above a gay bar, no less.

But Jessie proved me wrong. Her one hour set was positively dripping in sass. She took the odd moment to indulge her jazzy, low-key diva leanings but most of the show was funk-heavy and had the crowd shuffling as much as you can in a room squeezed full of hipsters. From the very first song, a soulful and earthy rendition of "Devotion", it was instantly apparent that the Brit's voice is an instrument of rare quality. She sounded immaculate and gave the material a warmth missing from her album. "Still Love Me" sounded like a different track altogether and "No To Love" was a goosebump-inducing showstopper.

As much I loved those moments, the highlights - for me - were the upbeat songs. "Sweet Talk" is such a slinky anthem. It reminds me of something a Prince protegee might have recorded in the '80s. Equally amazing was "Running" - surely one of the most underrated anthems of 2012. That was a television advertisement away from being massive. And let's not forget my favourite Jessie song, "Wildest Moments". It was worth a trip to the Beresford just to hear that triumphant tune. The rising star promised to return to Australia soon with a bigger show. I'll be there, front and centre.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

MS MR & Pretty Glitter Vomit

Last night I went to see MS MR at the Oxford Art Factory and was only mildly excited. I had seen the much-hyped New York duo on all the trendy blogs and heard a couple of songs on JJJ but thought they occupied the same space - musically, at least - as a dozen other indie-pop acts. It turns out that I have no idea what I'm talking about. By the end of the set, Lizzy and Max had completely won me over. They walk the line between uber-cool shoegazing synth-nonsense and perfectly-crafted pop with devastating skill. And Lizzy is a complete fucking goddess. Not only can this bitch rock blue hair and green Lycra but her vocals rival Florence in the power stakes.

During the show they mentioned their new clip had just debuted and encouraged us to check it out. I didn't have to be asked twice. "Fantasy" is a beautifully gloomy affair that demonstrates MS MR's uncanny knack for creating atmosphere. It's dark and sexy and very, very catchy. The video (below) is an odd affair. It starts off inauspiciously enough with Lizzy sitting in a cafe looking all edgy but then things get really weird with cheerleaders puking pretty glitter vomit and a gang of old ladies. I love it and can't wait for their debut album to drop on May 13. Get on board now.

Monday, February 04, 2013

Beyoncé Bowl & The Resurrection Of DC3

Beyoncé cemented her status as the greatest performer of her generation - and arguably of all time - with a triumphant Super Bowl show earlier today. I know I get carried away when it comes to my Queen but I crying and shaking like a stroke victim during the diva's 13 minute master-class in performance art. With all the inauguration drama of the past couple of weeks, it was such a relief to see Bey do what she does best - make your faves look second rate. But before I run through the many highlights, it's probably easier to get the things I didn't like about her set out of the way first. Because there are so few of them.

1. I thought the finale was a little anti-climactic. King B should have been carried off on a bed of wigs or something equally fabulous instead of standing there giving her thank you, so much! face.
2. As much as I love "End Of Time", this was an occasion for hits - not belated 4 promo.
3. Bey should have sang something off B'Day.
4. I'm not here for recycled Glastonbury choreography.

That's it. I have no other complaints. From beginning to end, the show was immaculate. I loved how there was just enough production to keep it visual without drowning the diva in unnecessary special effects and she tore up the stage like an athlete. All that dancing, wig-whipping and pussy-popping would put most artists in a coma but Beyoncé did it all in heels without missing a note. None of us are worthy!

Who else was fooled by the opening? I was sure we were getting "Run The World (Girls)" but B surprised us all by launching into a few lines from "Love On Top". Obviously just to remind bitches that she has the best voice in music. Take note, Alicia (off-)Keys. And then she did that "Crazy In Love" strut and I started screaming like Adele at Weight Watchers. I will never, ever get sick of that walk until the day I die! Oh and how brilliant was the stage floor? That gave me chills - it was Kylie's "Slow" on a slightly bigger budget.

One of the many things that blows my mind about Mrs Carter is the way she works her weave. I swear that thing has a life of its own! And props for the flawless choreography. It's easy to sound amazing when you're standing still but it's a completely different proposition when you're dippin' in low and pussy poppin' like a Vegas stripper. She even did the iconic "Crazy In Love" thumb lick and gave vintage Michael Jackson by having an unnecessary but completely awesome guitar solo.

Next up was "End Of Time" and I'm glad the song finally got its moment to shine. As I said earlier, I would have preferred something from B'Day - or at least a song that everybody knew - but it is a fucking amazing tune and that Glastonbury choreography deserved another spin. Still, it was kind of cheeky to rehash it. Almost as big a surprise, albeit a much happier one, was the inclusion of "Baby Boy". Seriously, I've been listening to her epic Sean Paul collab all afternoon. That shit still sounds as fresh today as it did in 2003.

"Baby Boy" was flawlessly presented - great use of the BBMA special effects - but the highlight for me was the resurrection of Destiny's Child. We all knew it was happening but I still needed a defibrillator when Kelly and Michelle jumped on stage. They looked so good together and those harmonies! Sweet Jesus! I've never been a huge fan of "Independent Women" but they absolutely nailed it. Surrounded by a ring of fire - no less. Please let this be a sign that they will reunite between solo albums!

This takes me to "Single Ladies". I laughed out loud when Bey literally turned Kelly and Michelle into her backing vocalists. I'm trying to turn the other cheek but that is such a shady, diva move! But, funnily enough, it worked brilliantly. They breathed new life into the song as a group and had fun with the famous choreography. Seeing them together on stage makes me sad that Ms Rowland and Tenitra haven't gone on to bigger things.

Kelly is such a professional. She nailed every move and hit every note. This woman shouldn't be releasing songs about cunnilingus to get attention. And the usual bitches took aim at Michelle for forgetting to whip her wig but she has always been the heart of DC3. There's something so awkward about her - like you know she'd rather be singing about Jesus than tawdry one night stands - that makes you want to give her a big hug. I have so much love for Shell and her two left feet!

I knew there would be at least one ballad and Bey saved it for the finale. "Halo" is probably my favourite song of all time, so I was sobbing after about 10 seconds. After a spectacular array of fireworks and special effects, it was nice that the last two minutes focused on King B's incomparable talent. She doesn't need that shit to put a show. Just give her a microphone. By the time she sang her final note, Twitter had collapsed and wigs had been snatched. Bring on the world tour!

Sunday, February 03, 2013

What Has Kylie Done To Deserve This?

Sometimes all you can do is shake your head. Since being alerted to the existence of 3Girls and their mind-boggling cover of Kylie's "I Should Be So Lucky", I've watched their horrendous clip on a loop - trying to come to terms with the fact that this actually happened. I'm all for foreign language cover versions of English hits but "Me Estoy Volviendo Loca" is an unforgivable mess. The production is appalling, the divas can't sing and the video looks like it was filmed on someone's iPhone. I'm sure I'll grow to love this for the trash factor but it might take a while. Congratulations, Girls Aloud. You're no longer the worst girlband on the planet! Oh and let me know if you any information about this band - like where they're from for starters. They're completely off the grid.

Saturday, February 02, 2013

Queen Kat Never Sleeps

Dominican pop legend Kat DeLuna never sleeps. When she's not tirelessly working working on her long-awaited third album Viva, she's brightening up the Romanian pop scene by featuring on Costi's latest smash. "Always On My Mind" is yet another superb song - Queen Kat never disappoints - and deserves to set the charts on fire in Eastern Europe. The video dropped a couple of weeks ago and, while it's fairly uneventful by the diva's usual lofty standards, she looks absolutely gorgeous and works it like a true star. Keep gettin' money, Kat!

A British Bey Spills The Tea

So for the past couple of weeks I have been putting together an article about the inner-workings of the BeyHive for Idolator. The reaction has been amazing and I'm really proud of how it turned out. It was important for me to get it just right because these are my soul siblings. Anyone who worships at the alter of Beyoncé has a friend in me. I interviewed a lot of fans for the article but decided to focus on the American contingent. Unfortunately this meant I couldn't use the sublime musings of @Tha_Phoenix. But that's the great thing about having my own blog. I can post the Brit's interview in full! Enjoy our highly intellectual conversation about King B below.

What makes the Hive different from other fan armies?

Different? Well, the Hive is arguably the most vicious stanbase spawned in the last twenty years. Let’s look at it this way: many Hive members were/are Michael Jackson stans (myself included) – and we all know about how they are... I like to think that they inherited their vicious nature from that particular stanbase. The way the Hive chooses to handle certain situations is definitely reminiscent of how the MJ stans do/did it.

Contrary to what people might think, stanning for B is both a gift and a curse. A gift, because the Hive stans for one of the best performers to ever do it. A curse, because – due to that fact – those who stan for less famous and able artists always think that attacking B will make their fave more relevant or explain away their numerous deficiencies.

It doesn’t, but that brings us to my major point. First, the Hive does not allow any slight (perceived or otherwise) to go unpunished. Second, unlike many other fan armies, they walk their talk. One only has to look at the box office receipts for events like Revel and I Am… Yours (where ticket prices were in the hundreds) to see this.

Which act has the worst stans?

Christina Aguilera. Her stans are arguably the most delusional stanbase I have come across. Many of them have little to no musical knowledge, attack those that attack Christina with painful home truths and favor fiction over fact. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, they insist Christina is the "voice of our Generation", yet have no explanation for any performances post 2009.

How do you deal with people that come for Bey’s wig on Twitter?

Back in 2010, I would pick and choose my victims carefully – dragging only when called upon or a disrespectful, misinformed individual entered my mentions. Those of us who were around back then remember Summer 2010 with affection as the Summer of Dragging. After 2010, I felt I’d earned my stripes – no pun intended – and left that to the newer members.

Still, every now and then, a misguided soul will enter my mentions or an irrelevant artist will utter the Queen’s name with disrespect lingering on their tongue, and I will address each and every single one of their flaws, while simultaneously reminding them of B’s superiority.

Why can Bey’s wig never be snatched?

A wig is synonymous with one’s self-respect, importance and stature in the industry. Having it snatched, therefore, means that you have been stripped of all three. B’s wig can’t be snatched because, quite simply, she is the best performer since Michael Jackson, has been around (and relevant) for over fifteen years, has become one of the most respected and best-selling artists in the industry, and – best of all – everyone knows it.

Essentially, when you’re as good as B is, you don’t even have a wig. Your hair grows straight from your roots. It would take the Lord himself to snatch it, and it is clear that she is in His good graces.

Have you ever stepped over the line on Twitter and regretted it?

Never. As all my followers know, I have yet to apologise for or rescind a tweet (and have never deleted one either). I always say what I mean, and mean what I say, and if feelings are hurt (as they often are), so be it. The truth hurts like a bitch with a sore puss newly ridden with chlamydia.

Is anything off limits if someone crosses Bey?

If a stan from an inferior stanbase attacks B, I don’t attack them personally – I attack their fave. For whatever reason, I’ve found that that tends to get people more upset. Also, I don’t see the point in personal attacks - they rarely require wit or skill (and effective shade is all about skill).

If an artist attacks B, I’ll attack their lack of a career, receipts, respect etc. Family, friends, etc are all off limits. I also don’t discuss their personal lives, because to be quite honest, I couldn’t give half a shit about celebrities’ personal lives.

Which artists are common enemies of the Hive? Why?

That thing… what’s its name again? God, I can’t quite remember. Something to do with Hilton wildlife. We don’t claim it. Many Hive members don’t claim Ne-yo, because of his allegedly messy comments vis-à-vis the writing of "Irreplaceable". Ashanti. Her mother thought that it would be wise to talk slick about a certain Ms Knowles-Carter, and the Hive didn’t take too kindly to that. It didn’t do much for her daughter’s career, either.

Christina. But no stanbase (in general) other than her own really cares for her. Taylor Swift. The 2009 VMA for Best Female Video went to her rather than B (which still puzzles everyone this side of Swift’s latest boyfriend), and no one has quite moved past that yet. Rihanna. I’d recount the last 8 years, but we don’t have time for that. Suffice it to say, the Hive is not here for Ms. Fenty, generally speaking.

Does the Hive have any allies?

The Monsters. I’d argue that B and Gaga made an incredibly wise decision the day they collaborated together. Can you imagine what Twitter would look like if they hadn’t? Also the Lambs. Many Hive members tend to be fans of Mariah Carey, and many Lambs tend to like B.

How much time do you spend stanning for Bey on average per day?

Depends on the day. Also, if you count listening to music as stanning, you could say 30-40 minutes a day. I always have music playing when I study, and her albums are always on the playlist. Twitter also accounts for some stanning, though it would depend on what I was discussing on a particular hour/day etc.

How do you respond to claims that the Hive is full of broke, uneducated troublemakers?

Broke? Check B’s box office receipts. Uneducated? Unlike many (lesser) artists, B’s strong positive image attracts those with self-worth and something to show for themselves. We can count Michelle Obama among us. What other stanbase can say that? And as for troublemakers… Well, if you stanned for someone that was attacked and vilified as much as B is on a regular basis, you would understand just why the Hive is the way it is. Can you imagine what would happen if we let the constant disrespect from the inferiors slide?

Do you think Beyonce would approve of the Hive’s online activities?

She’s said in the past that she knows what we get up to. She thinks we go a little too far sometimes (I agree), but overall she appreciates how the Hive handles the disrespectful, uneducated, and uninformed.

Oh and just for shits and giggles, here's the Queen Bey being a complete boss at the Superbowl press conference. "Any questions?" is the ultimate diva moment of the new millennium!